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I think you know me well enough by now to have me pegged as a slightly cynical, dry-witted, bah humbug kinda gal. So it will come as no surprise to learn that I deplore Valentine’s Day. Bloody hate the thing.

Urgh, I hate all the sop. I hate PDA’s – probably because nobody wants to PDA with me, except for my baby who likes to lick my face and ram her hands down my top. I hate all the red-tin-foiled-fake-chocolate crap in the supermarkets, with the mini bottles of pink champagne and the heart shaped toast cutters.

I also resent the social media PDA’s. I have no desire to see Facebook statuses between couples that start with “Feeling blessed” and contain the phrases “my man” and “wouldn’t change it for the world” and that sodding pink heart emoji with the yellow bow. I don’t particularly care if your “man” sent you some teleflorist roses. Or if you’ve been treated to a “scrummy homemade dinner” by your “man” while you put your feet up on the sofa.

Frankly, you can fuck all that shit.

However, for the sake of irony, I do very much appreciate a romantic meme. Oh, the interweb has supplied some absolute treats for me on this score. So, as a sort of anti-Christ to all the love, fluff and nonsense, I bring to you my top vom-fest picks, befitting for my cynical counterparts.

You're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning and the only one I wanna dream about.

Want to. Want to. You ain’t no BeBe Winans.


When you said that we would be together forever, I thought that meant until we died...but I guess forever isn's as long as it used to be.

Hang on. So what’s the actual message here? Is it a crap, convoluted way of saying that infinity isn’t quite long enough for such a treasured love as this? I really want the lady to be wearing a watch, to drive home the time theme, but actually it looks like a thong bracelet circa 1997. Basically forever ago. Or is it?


I loved you yesterday, I love you still, I alwyas have, I alwyas will !!! [sic]

Oh my fucking god. Kill me now.


Now, this may be off of the Bible and if so, I apologise. But “snare” is generally not a word I associate with romantic allure. Neither is a bewildered garden, no-one enjoys one of those. With the deranged, ravenous birds and the renegade blossom conducting all manner of hoodwinkery.


Each time I close my eyes, you are the one I see. Every time I take a breath, it is for you my darling.

Bae can’t ice that cookie for shit though. Should’ve gone to Waitrose.


When you think of me out of the blue, it's all the kisses I've blown you catching up with you!

What? Like catching a yawn, you mean? It doesn’t even make SENSE!


Don't ask me why I love you, because I will have to explain to you why I live!

Selfish twat. If someone asks you why you love them, it’s generally because they’re hoping you’ll trip out some favourable attributes. You know: kind, funny, warm, caring, blah. Don’t always fucking make this about you and your own shitty existence.


Oh yeah, acting silly is right up there.


I can't place anyone above you but I place myself above you, not to be a master but to be your shield and always protect you.

Him: I’m going for it, I’m going to float the idea of BSM and her being a submissive. Just going to casually drop it in as I hug her and sniff her hair. Shit, she’s tensed up. Retract, RETRACT! Shield and protect, shield and protect.


I love sitting on the sofa mute with you.

This one though… this one I dig. On point as always, Hurrah For Gin lady.

Anyway, dear reader…just remember that one day in February isn’t special. But you are.

-SJW February 2017

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