I think you know me well enough by now to have me pegged as a slightly cynical, dry-witted, bah humbug kinda gal. So it will come as no surprise to learn that I deplore Valentine’s Day. Bloody hate the thing.
Urgh, I hate all the sop. I hate PDA’s – probably because nobody wants to PDA with me, except for my baby who likes to lick my face and ram her hands down my top. I hate all the red-tin-foiled-fake-chocolate crap in the supermarkets, with the mini bottles of pink champagne and the heart shaped toast cutters.
I also resent the social media PDA’s. I have no desire to see Facebook statuses between couples that start with “Feeling blessed” and contain the phrases “my man” and “wouldn’t change it for the world” and that sodding pink heart emoji with the yellow bow. I don’t particularly care if your “man” sent you some teleflorist roses. Or if you’ve been treated to a “scrummy homemade dinner” by your “man” while you put your feet up on the sofa.
Frankly, you can fuck all that shit.
However, for the sake of irony, I do very much appreciate a romantic meme. Oh, the interweb has supplied some absolute treats for me on this score. So, as a sort of anti-Christ to all the love, fluff and nonsense, I bring to you my top vom-fest picks, befitting for my cynical counterparts.
Want to. Want to. You ain’t no BeBe Winans.
Hang on. So what’s the actual message here? Is it a crap, convoluted way of saying that infinity isn’t quite long enough for such a treasured love as this? I really want the lady to be wearing a watch, to drive home the time theme, but actually it looks like a thong bracelet circa 1997. Basically forever ago. Or is it?
Oh my fucking god. Kill me now.
Now, this may be off of the Bible and if so, I apologise. But “snare” is generally not a word I associate with romantic allure. Neither is a bewildered garden, no-one enjoys one of those. With the deranged, ravenous birds and the renegade blossom conducting all manner of hoodwinkery.
Bae can’t ice that cookie for shit though. Should’ve gone to Waitrose.
What? Like catching a yawn, you mean? It doesn’t even make SENSE!
Selfish twat. If someone asks you why you love them, it’s generally because they’re hoping you’ll trip out some favourable attributes. You know: kind, funny, warm, caring, blah. Don’t always fucking make this about you and your own shitty existence.
Oh yeah, acting silly is right up there.
Him: I’m going for it, I’m going to float the idea of BSM and her being a submissive. Just going to casually drop it in as I hug her and sniff her hair. Shit, she’s tensed up. Retract, RETRACT! Shield and protect, shield and protect.
This one though… this one I dig. On point as always, Hurrah For Gin lady.
Anyway, dear reader…just remember that one day in February isn’t special. But you are.
-SJW February 2017