I like to support the small guy, from my position of great blogging power and superiority (I jest of course). A couple of my friends set up a great website recently called You Have To Laugh, which collates together the very cream of blogging talent. Kind of like a holiday hypermarket for the written word. Of course, they roped me in for inclusion (refer to previous jest statement), and they’ve asked me to answer a few questions. So, in the nature of promoting them to promote me, herewith please find below my incredibly well considered and witty answers. Disclaimer: includes many of the swears.

1) Fill in the gap: Before I had children I never …..
Realised what a dick I was in terms of moaning about lack of sleep. One night, about 8 years ago, I lived in a fairly insalubrious area of Southampton and witnessed a midnight altercation involving a chair leg and some choice representatives of the fairer sex. Because a woman (she was no lady, trust me) got whacked unconscious (“you f*cking scabby c*nt!”), I thought I ought to phone the police. They asked me to come in and give a statement, meaning I got back to my bed at about 4am. I actually phoned my boss, the next day, to say that I’d be late in to work because I simply didn’t have enough sleep in the bank to function, and I needed to top up my zeds. What a prick I was. I didn’t get lynched by my boss, but having pulled a few nights with LITERALLY NO SLEEP then managing to drag myself around the following day, I now realise what unbearable twats non-parents can be when they moan about sleep.

2) What is the most annoying toy that your child owns or has owned and why?
Did you know that Justin / Mr Tumble does the voice for a lot of V-Tech toys? Once you know that, you can’t unhear it. We’ve had rather a few, including a ridiculous ride on zebra thing (not the bouncing zebra on the hexagonal mat, toy aficionados. I mean the scooter / bike hybrid). Whatever age my children are, they’re not quite right for this beast and we don’t have enough room in our house that’s unabated by errant steps and changes in surface. So mainly what happens is a significant amount of jolting into hallway skirting (think of that bit in Austin Powers with him in a golf buggy executing a zillion point turn), and pressing all the buttons. “Roll along on the zebra, he is your new friend…” Ain’t no friend of mine, kid.

3) Would you rather be covered in poo or covered in puke?
Oh, poo. Without a shadow of a doubt, poo every time. When I did my first KIT day before going back to work second time around, I was insanely chuffed with myself at adulting in an office for 7.5 hours in my slim legged trousers and my Dune shoes. I went to collect the girls from my mother in law’s house, and Moo was SO PLEASED to see me that she paused mid-breastfeed to vomit up the contents of her lunch. Which comprised satsuma, raspberry yoghurt, peanut butter on toast, a babybel, some raisins, a banana, and a custard cream. Oh, I saw all of that. It was so never-ending that I had to borrow clothes to get home in, and my skinny gold lame belt went straight in the bin once I realised the vom had dried on to the buckle. Bless her, it was actually the start of a sickness bug which she fucking gave to me.

4) Is Peppa Pig more annoying than Postman Pat is bad at his job? Discuss.
Well, my beef (ham?) with Peppa herself is sidelined for my chagrin at Miss Rabbit. How many jobs?!?! How does she do her tax return? Does she just carry ice creams with her wherever she goes? How much does she charge for green dinosaur juice? Has she got a helicopter license? Can she come and be my virtual assistant? I won’t hear a bad word against Pat, I’m friends with / related to a few posties and they deserve all the perks they can get.

5) What time constitutes a lie-in in your house now and how does this compare to your pre-child days?
Student days = 10am was hellishly early. 1pm was about right for a sensible get up time.
Sensible responsible adult days pre-children = 9am on a weekend was respectable.
Now = If we’ve not heard anything before 7.30am we panic that one or both children may have been kidnapped. No, seriously – I think the latest I’ve ever snoozed in the last three years is 7.40am. 6.50am is average weekend laziness.

6) What is your favourite swear word or swear word combo and when was the last time you used it?
Cunt. Sorry. I save it for best (you know, when I really fucking mean it). Actually, my friend Bridie from Bridie By The Sea taught me this one which I adore – Shitehawk. Like, when someone pisses on you from a great height and gives zero fucks. “She completely dropped me in it and she knew exactly what she was doing, the shitehawk).

7) Tell us your worst ever nappy or potty training experience.
Well, I think my husband was pretty brave for staging this shot, on Day 1 of our first failed attempt at potty training. She’d only just turned two and we started way too early. We jacked it in and tried again a few months later, where thankfully she picked it up within hours. But as for this…there’s something trickling down your neck, mate.

Daddy holding Mouse on his shoulders.

8) There is no electricity and won’t be for the next week. NONE. After eating the contents of the freezer (assuming you have a gas cooker) what the hell do you do with yourself?
Is the gym open? Assuming no, I’d alternately run, sleep, and make myself really shitty instant coffee using water boiled on the gas hob. Oh, and maybe work through the 870 books that I keep buying for myself even though I never have time to bloody read them. Ditto the subscription to Women’s Health and Women’s Running, where I basically admire the front covers and toss them vaguely near my bedside table for later perusal.

9) If you didn’t need the money and didn’t have a little one what would you spend your days doing?
I dread to think. Nah, probably some sort of travel blogging? Assuming that if I didn’t need the money, I probably have enough spare money to fund the odd little international trip. Otherwise, I’d mainly go to the gym a lot and then counter it all by sitting in cafes eating cake. I quite like a train journey so maybe I’d just travel up and down the rail network like the alcoholic one from The Girl On The Train, sipping gin from a water bottle and wiping sick from my blazer.

10) If squirrels ruled the world, what do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages?
DTrump looks quite like a squirrel, doesn’t he?! I’m not really sure, so let me tell you a cute anecdote – my eldest thinks that rats are baby squirrels. “Look Mummy, a baby squirrel just ran over that path!” No, darling, that’s a fucking dirty great rat.

11) If you could have anyone round for dinner, alive or dead, which 3 people would you choose? (NB – If you pick a dead person they would be alive during dinner – you wouldn’t just be dining with a corpse. That would be creepy)
Right. Sandy Toksvig (pre-GBBO announcement, I’m a long time fan if you please). She can do culture and politics. Superhans from Peep Show, as Superhans. He can do funny. Tom Hardy. He can do me, right there on the table. Twice.

12) What is your favourite funny blog post ever (your own, or someone else’s)?
I always trot this one out but you really should read it – it’s by my friend Suzanne from and another ten things and it’s about taking her toddler for a walk. Oh and also James from A Life Just Ordinary, who had me wetting myself with this one.

Thanks for reading! Do take a look at You Have To Laugh, there are some brilliant blogs there.

-SJW May 2017

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